Derelict Junction

Providing missile launch codes for foreign cryptographers everywhere.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Urban Dictionary Entry #1

The Klocek Syndrome
Function: noun
1. To place undue blame on others.
2. When a comedian blames a former audience for not getting a joke due to unsophistication, when actually it wasn't funny in the first place.
Etymology: Joe Klocek, a bitter, unfunny San Francisco comic (circa 2004)
"to Klocek" verb
"Don't try to Klocek this off on someone else, it was your screw-up."

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Think of me fondly today, watching all the NCAA basketball games at various bars, drinking green beer, all starting at 9 in the morning.

Here's some inspiration from the Onion:

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Winston Zeddemore Effect.

What would you do if you had just prevented the end of the world by defeating supernatural creatures trying to enter our dimension? What if you were also covered from head to toe with marshmallows because you had just destroyed a 20 story marshmallow man? Remember what Winston Zeddemore did? He raised his hands high and screamed, "I love this town!" It only makes sense:

Even though he was talking about New York City and I live in San Francisco, I too, know that very Winston Zeddemore Effect.

Sometimes the feeling is slight, like the weather, or how the neighborhood is always full of energy, or watching small dogs try to hump the legs of large dogs at Dolores Park, or having a burrito, or just common people watching. Sometimes it's grand, like the scenery, riding Critical Mass, watching the fog roll in, driving over the bridge, pedaling passed City Hall, etc.

And sometimes it's huge. Like today, when a California court decision came down declaring Gay Marriage unconstitutional. Even though I'm not of that community (vicious rumors, I tell ya!), the public display of enthusiasm and happiness they had with the ruling puts a smile on my face. I can't help but quietly whisper, "I love this town." Gay Marriage for some, tiny American flags for others!

Or when the first bombs dropped on Iraq, and the entire city was shut down due to protesting. I quietly thought to myself while walking passed people fighting in the streets, "How horrible would it be to live somewhere that had no reaction? -Business as usual." I watched hundreds of protesters get arrested that day and was happy to read the courts dropped all the charges. Zeddemore!

Also, when I meet geeky hipsters who have found their way here from all over, like they've found the Land of Misfit Toys, I smile like Zeddemore.

If I was a hippy, or a new-ager, or a full-of-shit psychic, or a theoretical physicist (all of which are plentiful here), I might even say the city vibrates a frequency that agrees with me. Then again, there's a lot of vibrating going on here, most of which I don't want to investigate.

So, even though this report has nothing to do with the things I cite above, it was no surprise that SF was chosen by a global survey to have the highest quality of living in the US (we actually tied with Honolulu, but let's no mention that).

All this without having to save the world from a possessed Rick Moranis? Zeddemore, I feel ya.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Things that give me joy, #714


Simpsons Episode 9F14, Duffless.

Solid from beginning to end, the story of Homer getting a DWI after taking the Duff Brewery tour and then having to give up alcohol for a month. I realize this episode always airs right around the end of March, making me feel a lot better about my self-imposed month of sobriety, also known as April.

I recommend this procedure to everyone I know. Besides, who needs April? -It's after the college basketball tournament and before the real NBA playoffs! All that's left after that is meaningless, beginning of the season baseball. Clearly, it's the best month to dry up. While you're at it, hit the gym and get yourself a nice colonic, too!

See Ya in April!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Belated Thank You!


Thanks to Con & B to the A for all their hospitality a week ago when Laurel and I stayed with them in Utah. I honestly didn't know what to expect, but the scenery and skiing there lived up to all the high expectations I had heard. (And I managed to not convert to Mormon, despite how sickeningly nice they all were!)

First off, I had heard that the skiing in Utah is arguably the best in the country, this didn't phase me, because I've been hearing stuff like this ever since relocating to the West Coast. Everyone out West says the skiing back East is terrible, everyone in Utah says the skiing in the Sierras is weak (and a little aside, everyone in British Columbia says the skiing in Utah is weak compared to Whistler). I hate to fall prey to conventional wisdom, but they're all right (except the Whistler thing, which I haven't checked out.)

I had such a good two days skiing at Snow Basin (site of 4 Olympic events including the Super-G, which I still don't know what that is), I can honestly see why people schedule their lives around that activity. Indeed, we overheard a doctor on the gondola (pronounced "gon-DOE-la") mention that he only likes to practice 3 days a week so he can get out on the slopes the rest of the time. Fear not, I've not yet accepted Warren Miller as my Lord and Savior, but I understand that, once you reach a level of competence and ability, and are no longer afraid of Sonny Bono-ing yourself into the trees, skiing becomes one of the most thrilling and enjoyable activities in the world.

Laurel and I thank you for all your hospitality and company.

Here's a peak into what it was like:

Con, in her natural state:

Salty dogs in Park City:

Greatest Joke of All Time Nominee #2

I feel compelled to point out before I open the envelope that the comedian here, Dennis Miller, now sucks. For all his supposed "insight", he was the poster-boy for post 9/11 fear, immediately jumping ship over to the right because he thought the Democrats didn't provide him with enough protection from the terrorists. -Like his run-down Topanga Canyon home is at the top of any terrorist lists! That douchebag couldn't get his name on a fucking cheap Star-Map, forget international target list. Dennis, if you're out there, you're no Russell Crowe! Actually, Dennis Miller sucks so much now, I seriously doubt he wrote this joke, which was always my favorite from The Off-White Album. That album is still great, but I suspect a collection of very good writers contributed to it for nominal pay. Old roommie, John Fetus, once said about George Carlin, "We're going to have a tough time convincing the next generation he was ever actually funny, but he was." I feel the same way about Dennis Miller, RIP.

So here it is (referring to the dancework of Deney Terrio replacement, Adrian Zmed, on the culturally significant Dance Fever television show):
"I haven't seen choreography that stiff since the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer!"

Didja like that one, Cha-Cha (smirk-smirk)?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

NewsFlash out of Hollywood!

First there was the horrible violation of Paris Hilton's mobile phone, then supposedly the same techno-terrorists hacked and posted a sex tape of Fred Durst, now it turns out that even tough-guy Russell Crowe was a terror target:
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117,12475653-26618,00.html

And finally, there appears to be no end to the indignity that a modern celebrity has to endure:

SPEARS AND FEDERLINE THROWN OUT OF RESTAURANTS OVER DOG

Pop beauty Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline were thrown out of two exclusive Beverly Hills, Calif., restaurants Monday, because they refused to leave their beloved Chihuahua outside.
The singer and Federline were asked to leave Euro-Asian eatery Crustacean, because her pet pooch Bit Bit's presence would have broken health and safety regulations.
The couple then headed to the Trattoria Amici Restaurant, but left red-faced after a waiter explained dogs are not permitted in the plush establishment.
But fortunately, the Trattoria Amici Restaurant's manager had a change of heart and chased the pair down the road to offer them a table, on the condition that Spears hid Bit Bit in her purse.
Oh, the horror!