Derelict Junction

Providing missile launch codes for foreign cryptographers everywhere.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Welcome to Oz!

Ya know that scene in the movie where the hero gets sent to jail and he meets his new Cell-Mate? Well, that's what this is like. I heartily apologize for my lack of posts in the last month, but fear not! Word has come down and I was unable to stay on at my Zappos job, so I've come into a little free time. Therefore, if you're reading this, just imagine you've just been escorted into a jail cell, and I'm standing there looking at you. Ready to get intimate?

That reminds me of a prison joke- A little guy gets sent to jail for tax evasion. When he enters his cell he realizes his cell-mate is a mountain of a man, twice his size. The cell-mate says to him, "I've only got one question, do you wanna be the Mommy or the Daddy?" After thinking about it the man says, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the Daddy." And the mountain replies, "Okay. Now get over here and suck Mommy's dick."

So me being laid off is kinda like that story. Aren't you excited?

Things I've done in my 3 days of being unemployed:
  • Cataloged about 4,000 songs on my computer (Reminiscent of John Cusack in High Fidelity, reorganizing his records to create the illusion of structure in his disorganized life.)
  • Cleaned the cat's box (An event not to be unappreciated.)
  • Watched Anchorman twice.
  • Made pancakes (another event not to go unappreciated.)
  • Applied for unemployment on-line.
  • Had my first of many Bored Meetings with unemployed comrades at World Sausague on Market St.
  • Redefined my world through the help of my IPod Mini. This is clearly the greatest gift I've ever received (Thanks Mom!). Not only does it improve your mood, build resiliency against the weather, but it makes all the homeless people in my neighborhood sound like Husker Du. Magnificent!
So I'm looking forward to our time together in the future. If anyone bothers you in the cafeteria or courtyard, you just tell them you're mine and they'll know not to touch you. Okay, little buddy?
Posted by Hello



At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kenny Davis: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!

At 7:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happened to getting intimate? Or did that one post really tire you out and you spent the last two days scratching a cat's balls?

I'm waiting for your NFL Playoffs preview and to feel your disdain for the impending awards show season.

Let's pick it up, Bubba!

At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I was makin' records when you were suckin' your mother's DICK..." - Buddhism spokesperson Adam Yauch

You have to get some circus music, you know 'doo doo doodoo doo doo doo doo doo doo' and walk around looking at the homeless while that plays. I'm not sure what good that would do, but I bet it would be pretty funny.


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