Derelict Junction

Providing missile launch codes for foreign cryptographers everywhere.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Scoring off the Elderly.

'Just have to share something before I get down to business. I was channel surfing tonight and came across one of those "List" shows on Fox Sports (yes, it's not just VH-1 doing it anymore). The theme was something like "The Most Hilarious Moments in Sports". The format is just like VH-1, where they parade out B-List celebrities (okay, maybe C) and have them comment on the events.

Coming in at #6 was 72 year old Don Zimmer of the New York Yankees getting thrown to the ground by Pedro Martinez of the Boston Red Sox during a baseball brawl. For those who have no frame of reference, baseball brawls are a load of shit, and thankfully so. Usually, no one throws a punch, it's just a whole lot of yelling and jock-posturing. But on this occasion, the elder Zimmer charged right into All Star pitcher, Pedro Martinez. The end result: Pedro quickly and easily diverts Zimmer into the Boston grass. (Side note: the next day Zimmer apologized and said he was embarassed for the Yankees, the Red Sox, and his family.)

So the best comment on the event comes from Adam Carolla of Man Show and Love Line fame, who (I admit) I didn't like initially, but have come to realize is a genuinely funny guy. He said (paraphrasing):
"The best part of that whole thing was the look on Zimmer's face when he got up, because it's the same look any elderly person has when they slip and fall. He looked around like, 'What happened?' '-Well, you charged a world class athlete 70 years younger than you. What did you think happened? Did you think we moved your bed and you accidentally slept on the lawn?'"


It reminds me of when the Simpsons first came out. While watching an episode, my friend Connie said, "They are so brutal on the elderly!" to which I agreed and then wondered if that was right. Up until this point, the response to virtually every elderly joke in my life was, "You know, you're going to be old some day!" as if the joke would come back and seek its revenge in the nursing home. But even now as I grow old enough for sharp young people to start making fun of me, I declare elderly jokes OKAY! Sure, maybe it's a cheap laugh that appeals to my inner teenager, but I did think it funny when Stuttering John once asked Catherine Zeta Jones at a press conference, "Who's diapers do you change more, your child's or your husband's?"

Cheap laugh? Yes. But if I'm lucky enough to live to be elderly, my only hope is to be laughing right along at the Medicare and Matlock jokes. If I wake up in a nursing home surrounded by a bunch of kids who willingly showed up and like nothing more than respecting the elderly, then I'm definitely surrounded by a bunch of loser kids. And that makes me look bad! Even if I'm shitting into a bag, I don't want a bunch of socially stunted pre-teens ruining my chances with the sponge-bath nurse. Posted by Hello